I have often said on this little blog of mine that I aim to encourage and uplift each other on this road to Godly living. Living up to our calling of Godly women.
I also consider you my friends.
And if I'm not real with my friends, then I'm nothing and I might as well walk away right now.
So in being real and transparent with you all I have to admit, I had an ugly weekend.
I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because the Mr. and I have had a couple of weeks of just pure stress. Not like just the typical stuff that stresses you out either. But the kind of stuff that hits, and then right when you are about to take a breath something else hits out of nowhere. It's been like this for a couple weeks now. We've prayed through it and clung to our God and each other. But let's be honest, it just wears on you sometimes.
Maybe it's because of the weather we've had around our neck of the woods lately. Which sounds so lame I know, but I feel like we've been in tornado watch after tornado watch and we've been glued to radars watching the development's and then watching lives destroyed. It's been more than just a rainy "funk", it's been scary and destructive, and down right exhausting. We've endured many a sleepless night lately because it simply wasn't safe to fall asleep yet.
No matter what caused it though, it all caught up with me this weekend, and it culminated in U.H.S. (Ugly Heart Syndrome). I found myself snapping at my sweet husband, and anyone else I could come in contact with, for no reason at all. After a rocky morning with Grouchy McGroucherson over here, we sat down for lunch.
And then it happened.
Out of no where (I'm still not sure how it happened) my bowl of cole slaw flipped over onto my lap.
For some reason I froze. My eyes got big and I was holding back the tears. But I wasn't really picking up the disgusting mess all over myself? Time stood still and it's like I didn't know how to fix this? Then I noticed my husband staring at his mess of a wife, and that's when I really lost it.
Why wasn't he swooping in to save me? Why was he just sitting there? Why wasn't he doing something? Anything?
(Because he was scared of me at this point probably.)
I flipped. I didn't just snap at him this time like I had all morning, I snapped loudly.
And then I ran out of the room, coleslaw dripping down my legs, and sobbed like you wouldn't believe. Ugly-face crying to match my ugly heart. I was being dumb. I knew it. But that didn't stop me of course.
I know I'm safe with my sweet husband. He held me with my ugly-cry face and my ugly heart until his shirt was soaked with my tears. I didn't deserve it, I knew I didn't. After the way I had acted I probably deserved for him to punish me with pouting and not speak to me until I had apologized profusely. But instead he held me and dried my tears and reassured me of his love for me. I told him I knew I had been ugly and how sorry I was, we talked and prayed about my U.H.S. condition. We moved on and tried to make the best of the what was left of the weekend, which actually turned out to be wonderful and relaxing-just what I needed.
But as I laid in bed last night I couldn't stop thinking what had happened that day. Not because my husband and I hadn't recovered-gratefully we had, and had even had a lovely evening with lots of much needed laughter. Not because I wasn't forgiven, because I knew I was. Even when we really are trying to live out Godly lives and Godly relationships, we just miss the mark somedays. (or maybe a lot of days if you're me and tend to freak out on your husband over spilled cole slaw) But I still couldn't shake what happened. During my Bible study the next day God made a portion of favorite scripture have new life in it and I realized why God had allowed it to remain so fresh on my mind.
His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. (2 Peter 1:3-9)
All of a sudden the lights came on for me-somewhere in the past few days, or weeks even in the midst of all the stress, I stopped living out of the divine power that He had already given me to live in. Does anyone else want to join me in beating my head on the nearest wall over that one? It's as if I'm sitting at a table with a feast in front of me and complaining about starving to death because I refuse to take a bite of the delicious-ness in front of me. For crying out loud!
He has given me everything I need to live a godly life. It's time to get to it. But not out of my own "ambition" or "motivation"-those kinds of things are sure to only get me so far. And God knew that. He knew that all of the desire and will power would run out quickly on those days that I'm feeling just done and exhausted, so He provided a way and provided everything I would need to live out this life to His glory.
So while I could easily list off 10 things that I really want to do well this week. I'm just going to aim for one, to live out my days in the grace and power He's given me instead of myself.
It's the perfect prescription for U.H. syndrome.
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