Yesterday morning I woke up with a heavy sense of shame. Saturday night I had what I typically call "a faith breakdown". I got so overwhelmed by upcoming stuff and took my focus off Him and onto my circumstances, my problems, my things to "figure out". And I lost it. In an ugly horrible way. I fell asleep a little before 4 am after my meltdown, in a puddle of tears and prayers and asking God to forgive me for losing sight of Him and acting like I didn't even believe Him, let alone trust Him. I woke up 2 hours later to a severe winter storm (have you ever lived through a sleet-storm? That's right...thunder and lightening...and sleet. Lots and lots of sleet. And snow. And freezing rain.) All church services were cancelled including Sunday School (which was ironically one of the things I had melted down about the previous night because I had run out of time to prepare a craft for our 2 year old class).
Instead of hopping up and running around like a mad woman to get ready like I had anticipated, I laid there and did a lot of thinking. Thinking over the past week and all the ways I had seen God move and work in my life and those around me. Some were small ways that reminded me He cared about it all, and some were huge ways. I had seen His Hand all over my week.
...last Tuesday during a women's Bible study I attend when a lady walked in with a Wal-Mart sack and a store bought cake inside. She sat it down on the back table, let out a big sigh and said, I made muffins but dropped them in the garage on the way here but last night I had picked up this lemon cake which I don't even know why I bought because I hate lemon, but since I dropped the darn muffins I thought I'd bring that instead. We all laughed with her and took our seats. A few moments later another one of our ladies walked in and jokingly said who brought me a birthday cake?! Nobody knew it was her birthday. The lady who brought it repeated her story and said I wish I would've bought something you liked...that one is just lemon. The birthday girl grew teary eyed instantly and said lemon has been my favorite ever since I was a little girl, and we are so tight on money this is the only birthday cake I'll have this year. We all ate lemon cake together in tears. Reminded...He cares. Even about lemon birthday cakes and dropped muffins and church planter's wives who can't afford a thing and are trusting God for their next dime and don't have a birthday cake.
...the Mr. and I got a very large unexpected bill last week. I fought worrying about it for days, I had no idea where that money was going to come from. Saturday afternoon my dad, who was preparing our taxes for us, brought over some papers for us to sign and told us we would be getting back a refund this year. $20 over the amount of the bill. I signed the papers with tears streaming down my face, reminded that sometimes the best place to be is where the only way you'll get through something is if God Himself steps in. And then He does.
...headed out of town to a friend's baby shower I was struggling a great deal. Too much going on in my head. Too tired. Not a bone in me wanted to keep going but I wanted to be there for my friend. Suddenly I hear from my mom who just felt the need to remind me that when something difficult and potentially worrisome comes up we should be grateful for another opportunity to trust God. And just like that I kept my car headed down the highway, grateful to trust Him. It turned out to be an afternoon with sweet friends that my heart desperately needed.
...the winter storm. Part of the reason for my Saturday night meltdown was because I am so worn down. I'm weary. When I finally drifted off to sleep around 4 it was hardly doing anything outside. But 2 hours later when I woke up it was a winter storm that forced everything to just...stop. Pause. Rest. So that's what we did. We charged all of our electronics to prepare for power outages, we sat under blankets and "attended" church services online around the country that were not in the winter storm like us. We left potato soup and chili going in crockpots all day and ate and played Uno and watched movies and napped. The storm raged on but inside it was just a breath of air. It felt like it was just for me. For now the storm has changed over to a heavy but beautiful snow, which is expected to continue for hours. I am quite content here however, stuck inside.
There were some other instances as well that seem a little too personal to share. So that's why it hurt so much when I realized how much my attitude and the way I acted Saturday night must have hurt God. As if to say...you still don't trust Me? Really?
I'm reminded that as "messed up" as I feel sometimes, He came for the sick. The lost. The hopeless. The one's in need of healing.
He came for me.
Linking up with: The Modest Mom Blog, Sara, Kendra, Nan, Kayla, Natasha, Kathy, Rich Faith Rising, God's Growing Garden