I'm torn. All I really want to do is make this post fun and happy and Christmasy. I've got diy projects & recipes to share for crying out loud!
But my heart isn't in it tonight. The promise to myself and you all to remain real-no matter what-is pulling my heart in a different direction.
My heart is heavy. I shared a bit why in my last post here.
The holiday's after losing a loved one is just plain tough. No matter how many twinkly lights I hang around our home or how many Christmas memories & traditions I try to make for my own family, there's no escaping it. It's hard, and comes with many, many tears. And sometimes you just need to stop trying to make the best of it and let the tears flow freely by glow of a Christmas tree.
My sister is battling a lot of deep personal problems right now, and besides praying for her, there's not a lot I can do about it. I miss her something fierce. I keep telling myself...it will get better, I will get her back, He will restore, He will heal.
But some nights I still find myself weeping thinking...why wasn't it today Lord? I need my sister.
My dad is a member of Baptist Disaster Relief. For anyone who may not know what that is, they are a team who gets called up after a natural disaster to help clean up, rebuild, feed people, pray with people. Minister. They usually get the call and have to be ready to go in a matter of hours. It's a calling that I know my dad feels very strongly about and I'm so grateful for his heart. Last week he got called up to get to a place where a winter storm had absolutely ravaged a community, and he had to leave so quickly I didn't get a chance to hug his neck and tell him goodbye. It's a small, seemingly insignificant issue. However it has tugged at my heart ever since. This morning as he worked to pull large oak trees from people's homes, he had an accident, and he was thrown from the ATV vehicle he was working on.
My heart sank.
He should be ok, and although very sore, is recovering tonight.
But tonight I find myself weeping thinking...I can't lose anybody else Lord, please.
Ultimately these are all the things I'm feeling. My heart is feeling heavy and broken. But these things I know...
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. -Lamentations 3:21-26
And that is all that's keeping me going.
And it is enough.