Before I had opened my eyes, my mind(worries) had already taken off. The weight of the anxiety of marriage combined with the normal stress of wedding planning was weighing on me to say the very least. It all just seemed too much and this particular day I remember feeling like the move from the bed to the floor was akin to walking to China. Impossible.
With eyes still closed, tears started escaping and the cry of my heart was more a desperate plea than a simple prayer. God...I HAVE TO KNOW. Can I really do this? Can I really be a wife? Can I leave my family? Can I let down every single wall, let go of every single reservation I've ever had of marriage and devote myself completely? All of my doubt fears came from me-not the Mr. My love for him was sincere and huge, in fact if I didn't have that love for him I probably wouldn't have made it this far in our relationship. I couldn't bear to think of a life without him. But I also couldn't bear to think of giving him a half-hearted life with a half-there wife. It was all or nothing. That's what he deserved.
As I cried out in desperation this verse slowly and quietly began to circle my mind...There is no fear in love...There is no fear in love...There is no fear in love...There is no fear in love...There is no fear in love...There is no fear in love...There is no fear in love.
And that was the day I knew. Not the day my fears went away, I still struggled with the fears of what if I wouldn't be enough/do marriage "well enough", but deep down that verse kept resounding in my head and that was enough to remind me...keep going...keep trying...this is right.
Marriage isn't about me anyways. I believe it to be the greatest demonstration of God's love towards us on this earth. We are called to die to self and become one with our spouse, which is not always easy, but in complete honesty-its the been biggest blast.
I'm not sure what most brides think during that moment on their wedding day right before they walk down the aisle. You know what I mean? The moment where all of the pre-ceremony/getting ready hullabaloo dies down, in front of you is your family in their prospective seats, your smiling bridal party, and that darned cute groom of yours. All that's left is you. A part of me thinks that most brides think of something more profound than I did. But I distinctly remember a prayer I simply whispered. It was something of repentance of my lack of trust in Him the past few months, combined with a plea to help me do this right. Not the walking down the aisle thing (although I'm sure my bridesmaids had some kind of bet as to at which point this klutz was going to wipe out) but the becoming the wife I knew I had been called to be.
And even though it's a day by day (sometimes hour by hour) process, He has been faithful to do just that.