When He had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, He bowed His head and gave up His Spirit." -John 19:30
I've said many times on this blog that I long to be completely real with you all, because if I'm not then what's the point? There have been somedays easier than others to walk that out. Todays post is a hard one, and it comes to you all with much prayer and many tears.
The other day I had a really randomly great day. You know what I mean by that right? Nothing special or big-no holidays or birthdays. Just a good day. The Mr. was exceptionally handsome that day, and when we woke up we started laughing so hard about something that we both felt like kids again wondering if mom would come tell us to keep it down. It was a gorgeous day that included a drive in the country with the windows down and hymns on the radio. A lunch date with my mother that led to good talks and shopping.
But later that day I did something I hardly ever do, clean out my wallet. My mother had bought me a new one and I was eager to change everything over. So I braved the gross looking crumbs and wads of receipts and went to town with a trash bag nearby to empty out my old one. A few mins into the project out fell a handful of cards that looked like ordinary business cards. I flipped them over to see what they were and soon realized exactly what they were.
Therapy appointment reminder cards.
(This is the part where I sit here weeping on this side of the computer screen, reminding myself to stay real, stay real, stay real, no matter what.)
Ya'll it stopped me in my tracks. In the middle of a beautiful day, filled with so much love and laughter that you wish you could bottle it up, was this reminder of what once was. To say it was gut-wrenching would be an understatement. It took me back to those days, to that dark season of my life. You probably don't want to hear how many times it took me to even dial the number to the Christian counselor that I had already spent weeks praying over before I could even pick up the phone, or how I felt physically ill the morning of my appt. When I got in the car that morning I thought, I'm just going to get coffee...we'll see how I feel about going after that. 30 mins later I somehow ended up in that waiting room. I remember sitting in that waiting room thinking...how did I end up here? And looking around at the other people in the waiting room thinking...how did any of us end up here? My loving mother and my boyfriend (now Mr.) had both graciously offered to go with me but I knew it was something i had to do on my own. Well with God. Just me and God. Because there are some places you can go with only God and you. And this was one of them. When my therapist stepped out and ushered me into her office I remember she pointed to the couch or the chair and said cheerfully, sit wherever you'd like. I instantly chose the chair-it was closest to the door. That day she started by asking me what brought me there and do you know what I said??
I just burst out into sobs. And sobbed. And sobbed.
In a total stranger's office surrounded by who knows what, the floodgates broke. 2 years of depression and anxiety and living through an abusive relationship and my best friend getting cancer and then my aunt getting cancer and dying had all taken it's toll on me.
I don't remember how long we stayed like that. Me sobbing in a silent room with a stranger. But I remember it was a while. I think I remembered finally mumbling the words "It's been a really, really hard couple of years and I really don't like the way I'm living."
I look back at the time in my life with tenderness. I was living scared-constantly. I was living broken. I was living discouraged. Which had led me to believe--was I living at all?
So I spent awhile in these therapy appointments. Once every couple of weeks I would go, coffee in hand, and do my best to do something besides just sob. (I mean sobbing still happened some...clearly). Some of you may be scrambling to find the "unfollow" button as I speak, but this is the truth-this is the real me. I just don't have it all together guys.
Here's where it gets good guys---
I'm not that girl anymore. I still don't claim to have it all together or to have all the answers, and I probably never will. But I'm ok with that. Because of what Jesus did for me, because of His blood shed for my life and all of it's mistakes and crazy-ness, I'm not that person anymore. When Jesus said on the cross, It is finished-He meant it. The guilt is finished. The old way of living is finished. The fear is finished. The old you is finished.
I've come to learn that life is hard. Really hard. For days, or weeks, or months, or yes-even years on end things are just tough and you don't see an end in sight. No solution to be found. But because of the sacrifice made on the cross for you and I, we have this promise...because it is finished, I am not.
Linking up with: Whatever Wednesday, Wise Woman, Encourage one Another.