Sunday, August 5, 2012

3 months down...1000 to go.

I have officially been a "Mrs" for 3 months now. Leading up to our wedding, I was terrified. Seriously, beyond terrified. It wasn't until about 10 minutes before I walked down the aisle that my nerves were at bay , and I finally felt truly "in the moment". After so much rushing around and chaos and being surrounded my the ones I love so much, I was all alone. I was put in the backseat of a vintage car that would drive me a block to the location of our ceremony, and my family and wedding party headed on ahead of me. I was alone. Completely alone. After months of planning, stress and fears, it was me and my God, and all I could do was thank Him. For everything He had carried me through, protected me from, tear He had dried, and hurt in my heart He had healed within me that had brought me to this moment. I was overwhelmed with the most humble gratitude I've ever experienced. My mind raced back far beyond the past year of planning. Suddenly I didn't care what my hair looked like, if my flowers fell out of my bouquet (thank You Lord, they didn't), or if anyone showed up to our wedding. I was suddenly 13 years old again in my bedroom with my girlfriend daydreaming about the boys we would marry some day. Did we know them already? Were they gorgeous? What were we kidding of course they were gorgeous. Then my mind flew to being 16 years old, and dealing with my first heart break. Being a freshman in college and finding myself feeling absolutely stuck in a terribly verbally abusive relationship that was destroying everything within me, and sobbing with my face pressed into the carpet of my bedroom begging God to help me. Somehow. In between all of these memories, I spent an hour each holiday writing a letter to my future husband, praying for him, and wondering about our life together. And here, surely by the grace of God alone, He had finally brought me to this moment. All I could do was weep under my veil and say Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, You are so good to me. A few minutes later I grabbed my daddy's arm, and gazed into the eyes of my beloved while committing the rest of my life to him. So 3 months we are. I spent a lot of time before the wedding wondering about the after part. You know...after all the guests left, the presents started breaking, and all we had was each other and this new life to figure out. What would it be like? What if I didn't like it? Would I feel safe, or trapped? I layed awake for weeks with these questions racing though my mind. I had never been one of those girls who had to get married. In fact, in my early college years I had often told God boldly, I either want a good, Godly marriage, or I simply don't want one at all. So when God brought me my husband, I knew it. Without a doubt. I had many fears and reservations, but I knew...this was it. However, the life we would create within our family and our marriage, was up to us. It would be our choice to have a good Godly marriage. Nobody else's. The weight of that responsibility nearly overwhelmed me. About a month after we were married, I found myself wide awake next to my sleeping darling. I wandered into our living room and just sat and took it all in. I thought about all the fears I had carried with me, I thought about what a good man I had in the next room. Even on the bad days, it beat any day before him. I picked up a journal that we often write back and forth to each other in and simply wrote...You will always be the greatest risk I ever took. It's true. I hope to meet other young marrieds-or not so young marrieds thought this blog!! I beg you, pass along your tips! What's worked for you? I also hope to document all the little moments in this new life of ours, I don't want to miss a thing.

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