I wish I was one of those people who's biggest weakness was chocolate. Sure the ever-increasing pant size is a drag, but I would learn to live with that eventually I suppose. My biggest weakness however? Not trusting God.
You may never find a bigger worrier than myself. Somedays, I find myself unconsiciously just finding things to worry about while going about the laundry or the dishes. Who does that? Anybody else? Please? I come from a long, long line of worriers. Some families pass down genetic traits like blue eyes or blonde hair. The women in my family? Worry. That's what we do. It's kind of our thing. I am not proud of it, it means I'm not trusting God, that in itself breaks my heart. But I still struggle with it and fight that spiritual battle on my knees daily. At the beginning of this year, God was calling us to really step out of our comfort zone and trust him majorly.
It's like this...
Before we got married, we knew that raising up Godly children was a huge priority and desire for us. For our family, that meant I would stay home with them. Do I think that this is possible for everyone, or that you are any less than an incredible Godly mother raising amazing children if you need to/desire to work? Not. At. All. Please don't think that for one second. But for us personally, it was something we felt very strongly and very led by God to do. So we decided that after we got married, I would continue to work for some time while we kind of got settled in and situated, but not too long after I would quit my job so that we would begin to learn to live on one income-before children became a factor. So in Janurary, we both knew, it was time-but it sure didn't feel like it. We hadn't even completely unpacked yet after just acquiring a larger house (larger payments, larger bills). I wrestled with it night after night, crunching numbers thinking that surely the 24th time I calculate it something will somehow shift and this will all logically work out. It didn't. It never did. I didn't have a ton of support either. So many of people, very dear to me whom I love so much, couldn't understand it either (and still don't, and basically think I do nothing), why wouldn't I work when I could, when I could make our financial situation easier with more flexibility. Why? I didn't know, all I knew was that was what God was leading me to do . I had to obey.
My husband is an incredible, incredible man of God, and he does things that don't make "sense" a lot-simply because God calls him to, so he does. Just like that. Simple as day. I remember before we were even dating, knowing that as a personality trait of his. Watching him, with all his faith to move a mountain, and doing something that from the earthly eye looks crazy-because that's what God was leading him to do. I remember thinking-wow, I really admire that...could never do that kind of crazy stuff though. Little did I know. Little did I know. God must've smiled a little on that one. Anwyways, he works very hard for us as he ministers to students and teenagers. I don't think I could do what he does. He works with kids in crisis every single day. He's kind of my hero. Unfortunately, it doesn't equate to a huge paycheck. While my job was simply part time and not setting us up for luxury cars and mansions, it was a fall back. It was a nice "safety net" that covered over a few small bills, or unexpected expenses. I saw my saftey net going away, I panicked for weeks. But eventually, with much much trembling, I submitted my 2 weeks notice, promptly left for the day, sat in my car in my office's parking lot, and wept like a baby.
How would we ever make it? What in the world were we going to do?
Under all this worry and uncertainty though, I knew this was not only what God was leading us to do, it was also my heart's desire. Funny how those 2 things go together. You see, as silly and old fashioned as it may seem...I wanted to be a homemaker.
I see the home as so very important, and so very neglected in our society these days. We're all so busy working to get ahead and gain more, but aren't we really losing??
I see simple, seeminly meaningless chores like laundry and cleaning and cooking as a joy. Not because they're always "fun" but because they are a piece in the puzzle of creating a home for my family. I get to set the tone, I get to set the mood. (And please Lord, let that tone be YOU!)
It's what I've always seen, it's what I've always wanted. I remember being a very young girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old, on a beautiful Sunday in May-Mother's Day, when our preacher spoke directly to a women's heart. As he went over the value of a stay at home wife/mother, he said, don't call yourself a housewife-you aren't married to a house-you are a homemaker-for one way or another, for good or bad, that's exactly what you are doing...making your home. I still remember those words to this day. While I probably didn't say it out loud for fear of looking foolish, that's what I've always wanted. It's probably why I struggled through college-I couldn't find a bachelors in homemaking in the course catalog a single semester.
Funny how worry robs you of the truth, covers up and smudges out the true desires of the heart.
We've been making it though. I never know how, honestly. Each month I look at the big picture and am continually amazed and in wonder at how it's happening. While I can't find a "logical" reason, I know the reason. God is moving and working in our lives, honoring our decision to obey Him, even when it doesn't make "sense". Not only am I living out my dream of being a homemaker, but we are on this ride of trust that is scary, yes, but absolutely exciting and exhilirating as well. It's what happens I suppose when you do everything you can-work as hard as you can-and trust Him with the rest, obey Him, follow hard after Him.
I don't know why I'm so surprised, this isn't the first time He's been there and provided for me-not just financially either. In fact, I don't remember a time He was ever NOT there. Because that just wouldn't be Him. Maybe that's why this morning I was sobbing in my living room, going over who He is. I've never gotten "over it". Oh how I pray I never will.